Front Row to the First Date From Hell

Have you ever watched a first date unfold right in front of your eyes? Well I have. In fact, I’m sitting at a Starbucks right now…..where a first date is happening at the table right next to me. This day just got amazing.

I came to Starbucks on this cold rainy Sunday in the hopes that I would find some inspiration for a blog post. I mean, I’m wearing leggings and rocking a flannel scarf. I’m definitely channelling something very pretentious right now….so I thought I should come. Plus coffee.  I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes and I was just about to ditch the idea of blogging today. I couldn’t think of anything that I was really excited about in this moment.

Enter Brad and Halle. Full disclosure: I don’t actually know if their names are Brad and Halle but in my brain…..that’s who they will heretofore be.

About 5 minutes ago….I noticed Brad sitting at a table alone. Black turtleneck, silver hair, glasses…lean. About 50ish. Not unattractive…but was definitely rocking an uptight vibe.   Brad doesn’t hang out in Starbucks. He doesn’t look like a guy who likes to “hang out”.

Then there’s Halle. I’m calling her Halle, because she is definitely got a Halle Berry thing going. About 30ish…..beautiful dark perfect skin, fabulous long hair, red lipstick…..confident. This girl knows how to fill a pair of jeans. Halle is understated and fantastic. Oh and Halle knows it. We like Halle.

The way Halle walked up to Brad’s table to say Hello told me that this was the first time they met.  I don’t think you could find 2 more mismatched people in this place….but stranger things have happened.

Brad is clearly out of his league….and I think he knows it. But Brad isn’t the kind of guy that would excuse himself and leave. Brad is going to try. If nothing else, his small talk skills clearly need a little work. Come on Brad…I’m rooting for you.

Halle’s done this before. She knows how to talk to people. I can see that Halle is not into Brad at all…but she’s not an asshole. What else is there to do? And Halle has met enough people in her day to know that not everyone is as they seem. Sure Brad looks like he’s stroked more keyboards than women…but that’s OK. Maybe Brad will surprise all of us.

Or not. First thing he mentions is that he used to work high tech. Called it.

First thing Halle mentions? Her kid. She has a son and somehow managed to work that in very early. Atta girl. Lay it out on the table girl. Let’s see how Brad feels about being a daddy.

Brad has been going on about his “job” for 5 minutes now. He’s travelled extensively, but he’s covered it off pretty quickly.  Brad, the world is a non stop conversation starter you amateur.  You should’ve gone with it.

Halle is doing an incredible job of sounding interested, and asking the right questions….and moving the conversation forward. Come on Halle…ditch Brad, and come and sit with me. I bet we’ll be besties before you finish that Latte.

But Brad is still talking. Brad just dropped a bombshell. He’s declared himself to be “laid back”. No Brad no. You’re not. Your posture is too perfect. You’re not laid back. You’re a numbers guy….you like answers and you like order. You’re not laid back.

Oh No Brad. You did it again. You just asked her how long she’s been on Match (Match.com I’m assuming) Isn’t that a loaded question? If you’ve been on too long…it implies that you are a professional dater…If you’re too new than maybe you’re fresh out of a relationship and you still haven’t dealt with your baggage.

Brad has 2 kids. His daughter sounds like a nice kid. She’s in University. His son sounds like a leech, who finally got kicked out of the house because he needs to get his shit together. Brad says that he’s alone now and doesn’t do much. Oh Brad.

He’s finally asked Halle about herself. She started talking about her son, but then he interrupted. Now he’s talking about Red Deer, Alberta. Nice transition Brad.

Not gonna lie. It’s pretty painful to listen to this conversation unfold right next to me. I can’t imagine how poor Halle is feeling right now. She’s in it, and is trying her best. She’s probably regretting not getting a double shot of espresso in that latte. She’s going to need to stay alert for this.

Halle…slip me your number. I’ll call you and pretend you have an emergency at home. I’m trying to give you a secret signal, but you won’t make eye contact with me.

Brad just declared that he doesn’t drink caffeine. In fact, he just declared himself anti caffeine. Halle. Run. Go. Get out of here and never look back.  Brad used to drink too much coffee and obviously things got hairy …so now he only drinks decaf. He sounds a little judgey on the caffeine front to me. Brad, Starbucks is now becoming a weird choice for a first date, don’t you think?

Oh God no, it’s getting worse. Brad is now talking politics. He’s Conservative and believes in conservative values. “Harper wasn’t always the greatest but…….”. And now we’re going over all the good things the Harper Conservatives achieved. Really Brad?  Never mind my number. Halle, I’ll slip you a cyanide pill if you need one

There is now a palpable pause in the conversation.  This is Halle’s chance to bolt.  Come on Brad, do the ultimate kindness and let her go.  Well neither of these crazy kids are picking up on some obvious social cues.

Brad, I gave you a chance. But you’re an idiot. Not because of your politics (ok, partly because of your politics)….but because 0f your selfish bullshit conversation hogging.

Brad, I’m ditching you. Halle, I gave you every opportunity to help yourself. But now you’re on your own.

I’m breaking up with both of you.

Actually.  Halle?  Call me.